How Far Is That In Freedom Units?

May. 21st, 2025 09:43 am
pshaw_raven: (Wild Things Bird)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
Ever since I got interested in rucking I've heard you shouldn't run with a ruck. I think they may mean "you shouldn't run hard and go long with a ruck," because I just did a four-miler at an easy pace and it was a great workout. Basically, I walked more often and when I did run, it was more like a jog, or like the "airman shuffle." I averaged about a 14m/m overall.

I'm probably going to get some fresh patches for my plate carrier, and I'm looking at one that says "You cannot fast travel when enemies are nearby" and "WTF is a kilometer". I used to have one of those "I'll tread where I please" patches but I've misplaced it. I love dumb morale patches.

The Zucchini Singularity is still occurring and today I'll be making peanut butter oat bars with zukes, and grating more into a bolognese sauce. I hope these things have some sort of nutritional value. I've always thought of summer squash as being mostly water and fiber. Not that fiber is the worst thing ever.

I guess I ought to get up and get some stuff done, but I'm sort of enjoying just sitting here with my coffee and watching the bird feeders. The Chickadees have come back, and there are a couple of Blue Jays that are now regular visitors. The Hummingbird feeders on the back porch need to be refilled.

Request for Financial Help

May. 20th, 2025 05:29 pm
cassie_faith: (Sabrina 'Feather' shirt)
[personal profile] cassie_faith

This isn’t easy to write, but I’m at a place where I need to ask for help.

Since experiencing a three-week gap in pay between jobs, I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck—constantly trying to catch up, but never quite getting there. Right now, my bank account is sitting at a negative balance of -$332.38, and the stress is honestly overwhelming.

I’m receiving my final paycheck this Friday, but half of it is already committed to paying off a payday advance loan. Another portion is going toward my furniture payment—leaving me with very little to cover my basic needs or dig myself out of the negative.

I’m doing everything I can: job hunting daily, applying for unemployment, SNAP, and Medicaid, and even looking for freelance writing opportunities to try and supplement my income. Still, the reality is that I need support to make it through this rough patch.

If anyone is in a position to help in any way—financially, by sharing resources, or simply with kind words—it would mean more than I can put into words. Every little bit helps and is deeply appreciated.

Thank you for reading and for being in my corner.

PayPal: c6290 at hot mail dot com

Venmo: @ cac6290

Cash App: $cassaclark

If you cannot donate, please share this. I’m desperate.

GRLO

May. 18th, 2025 10:29 am
serafaery: (Default)
[personal profile] serafaery
Meant to post this a while ago.

I get to go back to this lookout on Tuesday, through Friday. My body feels like it might be able to do more silks while I'm there.

Fika is our favorite coffee shop in Sisters, a small town in central Oregon, just found out last visit that the owner is from Portland, which makes sense.

These towers are highly competitive to rent and I feel very lucky over the years to be able to snag reservations, they open 6 months in advance at 7am and hundreds of people are all trying to book at once.

I had a strategy that has worked well for me since 2020 (that year, they canceled all of my reservations for covid except a single night, on my birthday. which is today btw). I've had it for my birthday the last three years, and this visit is just a couple days after, so it feels like it counts.

BUT. So far I have not been able to get a single reservation since. No strategies seem to be working. Certain timing strategies seem to fail. Less popular weekday openings are just as impossible as weekends, now. I couldn't get any for June and then also zero for the fall, despite many many many sleepless early morning attempts. I don't have a single reservation for any tower for the rest of the year, which is highly unusual. So, part of me fears that this might be my final visit, here. I'm not sure if it's just gotten too popular or if some sort of system has been put in place that somehow blocks me out? The reservation software is always changing. I can only sort of hope that maybe it updates again and I'm able to figure out how to keep renting. It would be very very sad to lose this part of my life.





































During this trip, Tyler and I relaxed a lot, I brought tons of food so we were well fed. We walked the Green Ridge trail, Tyler studied and I read and doodled in the tower. One night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep, and saw a huuuuge fiery meteor, commonly called a "fireball," clearly visible and super bright even though I wasn't wearing my glasses.

The sky out there is so spectacularly beautiful. And the mountains. And the forest. Lots of birds and butterflies, lizards and squirrels. A couple of ticks but not the dangerous kind, thankfully. I found a single fairy slipper orchid along the Metolius river, and Tyler found the prized King Bolete mushrooms, which I'm still enjoying the fruits of.

The boys are joining me for just one night at the tower, and then have to head home for work and school. I will stay and hopefully get some regenerative recovery time.

Old Lady Achievements

May. 17th, 2025 12:37 pm
pshaw_raven: (Dopey Runner)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
In one more month it will be 24 weeks until December 1, more or less.

If that seems like a convoluted statement, I understand, but there's also some method to the madness here. You see, I'm thinking about doing something stupid this fall. I'm considering doing a 40 mile run.

This year we don't have any major races. We weren't able to sign up for Wine & Dine, and Fox's work means we can't do any other out of town races if we wanted to because they're pushing some major changes through and need all hands on deck. So my calendar is open. Normally I would be starting to train with a specific race in mind, usually building up marathon distance, but with no formal racing going on I felt it was time I started training to do something fun/stupid I'd been thinking about.

In 2026 I'm going to turn fifty, and I've had this idea for a while now that I want to complete a fifty mile run when I am fifty. I've done some 50k runs (which is 31-ish miles) and I'm sure that with the proper buildup of distance I can hit forty. That will let me know I can manage fifty the next year. I've found an ultra coach - a woman who lives in the southeast and understands the unique challenges and opportunities of running here (humidity is the southerner's version of altitude training). I've got a 24-week training plan to get me through, and I'd be making my attempt on the first Saturday in December.

I have some very weird ideas about what "fun" is.

At this point my chief concern is WHERE I'm going to do this. I can head into Duval and run around Jacksonville, where there are sidewalks and such, and plenty of support in the form of convenience stores and fast food. I don't know where I could get across the St Johns River on foot, though. The Shands Bridge is being rebuilt, and it will have a pedestrian and bicycle lane down the center, protected from the car lanes, but that's not going to be done until maybe 2028. I know Fox has biked across bridges in Jax, but a bicycle at least has a chance of keeping up with traffic and legally can belong in a car lane. So I may need to just circle around on this side of the river, maybe heading to 17 and coming back towards Fleming Island. I know most of this means diddly-squat to anyone reading, I'm just thinking things through.

My temptation is to sign up for the Daytona 100 ultra in 2026 and put myself in the 50 mile category. I've long wanted to do this race, and I can start working up to a 100-mile distance, but the 50 miler would give me a taste of a road ultra run at night, and Fox could crew for me. I think he could handle crewing for the 100 as well, though I thought I saw the race director recommending two crew members for each runner.

Anyway! That's my big plan. I've got one more month that I can use for base building, though I lost a couple of weeks to being sick. But since I'm not a total beginner the distance should come back to me pretty easily. It does mean I'll have some Saturdays where "long run" really and truly means LONG run.

(no subject)

May. 16th, 2025 12:14 pm
pshaw_raven: (Antlered Owl)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
I forgot about Joseph Campbell's Occidental Mythology which has a significant focus on Arthur, as well it ought, given the tales' role as foundational English myths. *adds to pile*

Also, I misheard Fox saying something earlier, so now "autism-nal cheese" is a thing. Hooray for auditory processing disorders.

Highlighters At the Ready

May. 16th, 2025 07:49 am
pshaw_raven: (Lawrence - LOL)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
I have been out of school for a very long time now, and I still enjoy setting up a "summer reading program." Sometimes I decide to read as much as I can of a particular author's work, or I pick a subject. But it's the same kind of buzz as getting to go to the book fair, with adult money.

I'm finally starting to feel like writing again, some of it in a paper notebook, some of it in a Google Document. I liked this piece of advice from, I believe it was Jordan Peele, who said that his first drafts are mainly dumping sand into a sandbox where he'll later build his castle. That's been an immense help. Given the crushing perfectionism I grew up around, if something requires fixing and revising, it's shit and you're a bad person. Writing in a paper notebook also helps with this because it's much harder to edit on the fly.

This summer I'm revisiting Arthurian tales, which were always a major interest of mine. I've got TH White's novels (replacing older copies I lost), and Mallory's Morte d'Arthur. I tried reading Lawhead's Pendragon cycle once and found them kind of tedious, but I may take another run at them. Stemming from Mallory, I've also got my grubby claws on The Medievalism of Lawrence of Arabia because I'm an academic at heart and love dense books I can mark up. And I love Ned.

Utterly unrelated to Arthur, I've also got Michel de Montaigne on deck. Well, he may be unrelated, or he may not be, we'll find out. In the "odds and ends" category, I'm reading 48 Laws of Power as someone who will never wield power over anyone else, but is very interested in knowing when someone's trying to use it on me.

Last year's summer books were a little disjointed and I never picked up on a theme, so it's nice to feel like I have direction this year.

Books I read in April, 2025

May. 15th, 2025 10:59 am
amado1: (Default)
[personal profile] amado1
 Total: 8 books

-- The Buffalo Hunter Hunter by Stephen Graham Jones;
-- Appetite by Aaron Smith;
-- Albert Nobbs by George Moore;
-- The Judas Kiss by David Hare;
-- Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Jones;
-- Filming T.E. Lawrence: Korda's Lost Epic by Andrew Kelly;
-- The Last Days of T.E. Lawrence: A Leaf in the Wind by Paul Marriott;
-- Christopher Walken A to Z by Robert Schnakenberg.

Journals:

-- Paris Review
-- Iowa Review
-- Poetry Foundation (latest issue)

Reviews:

Absolutely fucking in love with Stephen Graham Jones again. I read Mongrel when it first came out and adored it; then I fell off horror for a long time, came back to it and read Night of the Mannequins, which I loathed. I decided I must have just been Young and Stupid when I read Mongrel, and that Jones wasn't worth another read. But I was so deeply wrong. Blitzed through "Buffalo Hunter" and then "Mapping the Interior," an older novella that was recently republished. "Interior" was my favorite - sort of a Pet Sematary retelling, but far more complex. Both books have some of the most inventively creepy scenes I've ever read. 

"Appetite" is a poetry collection I read for class, 100% recommend. Funny, well-crafted poems about the experience of growing up religious + secretly queer. Raw sexuality. Pop culture references in a pithy but interesting way -- sort of an undercurrent about what queer people latch onto when they're discovering their identity. 

Albert Nobbs - not better than the movie, not worse. Just different. It features the exact same events in a very different tone, almost wry and humorous, which makes the ending that much more of a gut-punch. I looked up the author and was surprised to see how transgressive he was. THe local used bookstore had an ancient two-volume edition of his Heloise and Abelard book, but I decided not to get it. I would love to read Celibates, the collection from which Albert Nobbs is extracted. 

Judas Kiss - a play about Oscar Wilde and Bosie, split into two parts. Immediately before prison and a year or so after prison. Focuses solely on the twisted dynamic between Oscar and Bosie, showing viewers without preaching to them the uncomfortable threads of manipulation that Wilde's friends protested about, while also fostering enough affection to make you understand why Wilde stayed. 

Filming T.E. Lawrence - this little book includes a brief history of the Lawrence of Arabia film that never happened, back in the 30s. It also has an interview with the actor cast to play Lawrence and one of the surviving screenplays, which isn't very interesting on its own -- reads like a condensed, less-beautiful version of Seven Pillars, basically. 

Last Days of T.E. Lawrence - sometimes dry, always more detailed than it needs to be (which I love), this is not a pop history book with a fun narrative. It's more like a compiled resource for historians. Everything we know about the last few months of Lawrence's life, with a lengthy section dedicated to witness testimony in the inquiry after his death. I like that the authors take the time to explain which testimony they believe is factual and which testimony they dispute, and why. 

(no subject)

May. 14th, 2025 06:51 am
pshaw_raven: (Default)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
I kinda want to buy a squat rack. I wonder if the floor of my house would support a "garage gym" setup.

(no subject)

May. 13th, 2025 09:17 am
pshaw_raven: (Haunted TV)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
This is a fairly long read on childhood trauma and shame, that actually names and describes something I've felt but couldn't articulate. "Atmospheric shame," or the general, pervasive sense of shame at just existing.

This weekend was also rough because of the holiday. I hate Mother's Day and have for a long time. I'm exhausted from being pulled from trying to be empathetic, to being angry, to feeling lost, to just plain confused. I still don't understand why someone would go through the trouble to adopt a kid and then make them feel like shit for being alive. She wasn't doing the best she could, she was deliberately taking her own pain and frustration out on someone who couldn't defend themselves, or even understand WTF was going on. And as much as I do want to be empathetic and understanding, I'm furious at being used.

There's also this passage from a different article, which feels like it sums my childhood experience up so neatly.

"Dr. Sherrie (Campbell) stresses that the way abusers operate, doling out small doses of kindness interspersed with long bouts of abuse, keeps their victims stuck in a state of relentless hope, seesawing endlessly between the deep suffering of parental rejection and the naive hope that things will eventually change. Dr. Campbell points out that it should not be surprising when this type of emotional torture leads to feelings of hate. She maintains that hate for one’s abusive parents should be looked at as a natural and potentially crucial part of the healing process."

Gestures of kindness or generosity became something I was deeply suspicious of, but I still drank them up whenever one came my way, feeling like an idiot the entire time. I spent most of my life wondering what was wrong with me that made me hate her so much, when it seemed like everyone else had these close, warm relationships with their moms. Of course I think that was one of the goals - to make me feel like it was my fault.

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

May. 13th, 2025 06:58 am
pshaw_raven: (Good Medicine)
[personal profile] pshaw_raven
I just saw that I wrote an entire post last week and never sent it. I've deleted it now, but I feel a bit dense, LOL. We got home with head colds - probably head colds, anyway - and they seem to be relentless. I've been sick since the first of May. This sucks, I'm tired of being tired, and I'm annoyed that I'm missing the last few cool mornings until November. I'm used to being able to push myself, but I'm not sure what to push or in which direction. "Listen to your body"? The signals change every few hours. I just want this over with.

Anyway. The only thing I've felt much like doing besides reading is gaming. I'm almost through Environmental Station Alpha. I'm in the post-game where things get both more challenging and more unhinged. There's a spike maze that you get through by using your dash, and I haven't managed that yet. It's not quite as bad as the cannon challenge in Owlboy but it's testing my button mashing abilities.

I also bought a Kingdom Hearts bundle on sale, which apparently has the first two games and a set of ... is it DLC? There may actually be seven games here. Fox wanted this series as well, and I decided to get it when I found Disney hadn't made any dick moves like "family sharing disabled." I'm literally just starting out with this franchise, though I've been curious about it for ... omg two decades. I've made it to the Olympic Coliseum, and the Deep Jungle. I noticed I've been picking up special moves I can swap out, and I wonder if I'll earn move slots for those, and for equipment.

The Zucchini Singularity has begun here, and I have a grocery bag of squash to turn into bread, muffins, and stir fry. The cherry tomato plant in my garden that randomly started up Leeroy Jenkins style in a cinder block has flowers on it now. We've gotten almost three inches of rain this month, so the sand road is much better, which I would enjoy a great deal if I felt well enough to go for a run.

I managed to tidy up my writing space, so perhaps when my brain isn't clogged with mucus I can do some of that. Dhhieofjkdnjdkfslfl

stolen child

May. 9th, 2025 09:13 am
serafaery: (Default)
[personal profile] serafaery
Comforting myself with old Torchwood scenes. This was the 5th episode, as if I wasn't already hooked on Captain Jack Harkness (I'd already fallen in love with him from Dr Who).



I mean, letting children run off with the faeries, in order to save the world? Yes, please.

(There are all different manner of faeries. Some are indeed terrifying. They have to be.)

(PS: If it helps ease the pain of the mother's weeping, know that she was allowing the child to be abused at school and by her step-father.)
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